"You're different" she says "As if you're no longer the one I left"
I look up from my hands "Maybe you're right....no...you're definitely right" and look out the window
"What happened?" she asks me
"You just said it" I whisper and then look at her and continue "you left me!"

"I have to go" she says
"I know...I know.."

Her eyes burn with rage as if she wants to have that fight again about how I don't know anything about what she says but she just keeps silent as she buttons up her coat.

"I will see you around" she says as she leans to kiss me goodbye
"No you won't"

"I'm sorry" she whispers

I see the sun set over the chain of mountains along the most famous one, fielkoh (the elephant mountain). The tops submerged in clouds and mist. A few orange and magenta rays shine through the mountaintops and the clouds upon this large empty field which stretches from the foot of the mountain right to mine.

At least hundred men and boys entertain themselves with darya, armoenia and tabla (musical instruments) and half of them is playing soccer with no clearly distinguishable teams. Dressed in pirhan tanban and barefoot they all run across this orange lit field of dried grass and dirt. The joy and pleasure can not only be heard from their voices but also be read from their faces and felt by their radiant beings.

I stand there looking at this magical and heavenly sight and hurry to my camera in an attempt to capture this moment. To capture this feeling. I take the cap off the lens and look through the viewfinder upon this scene. And even before I find the shutterrelease button by touch, I know, not think but KNOW, that I am destined to fail.

I take several pictures which I know will dissappoint me later and put away my camera. I submerge myself in this moment and elongate it untill the final rays have dissappeared behind the chain of mountains.

I put away my camera. Take off my pattu and put it back on over my head covering my hair and half my face and walk away.

I envy them their happiness! The only thing that matters in life and the only thing I lack!

The dust of the cars in front sprays in your face and you pinch your eyes not to be blinded by it. You can clearly make out the distinctive taste of dust in your mouth and your lungs. And it feels at place, familliar and common.

A certain sense of security and content takes over and you are no longer afraid of the patrolling police cars with armed personnell ready to fire who pass you at high speed at semi-regular intervals.

They point at a ruin and tell you that it once was the pride and glory of your direct ancestors. And suddenly you realise that you are standing in the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by nothing but sand and mountains in the distance. And still you do not feel desolate as you would imagine you should. You stand before this ruin that you could not even guess what purpose it once had if no one would tell you. You can only make out the city lights in the distance and the voice of your companions is muffled by the sandfilled wind which almost suffocates you. And yet there is no place on earth you would rather be.

You dwell in this ruin, caress every wall that has endured all the abuse but is still standing strong and proud. You let the dirt go through your fingers as you crouch on the doorstep and for a second you wish you could take everything with you. Drown yourself in this feeling one can only sum up with one word: wattan! (homeland)

You set foot on the dirt from the airways which have brought you over the mountains which surround and protect this land and you feel this overwhelming sense of home. This sense of being welcome even though a dozen men, armed with AK-47's, are watching your every move.

You put down your bags and stare into the horizon and you feel you personally own every piece from here to there.

This sensation overwhelms you like a tsunami of calmth.

"I was afraid, no...nervous...no no...afraid, I was afraid of what the outcome would be..." she pauses to catch her breath "..of our conversation."
"Why?" I ask
"Well, I know we should talk and you told me that aswell..." she pauses again "...that's why I delayed this."

"There is no escape!" I whisper
and I can just barely hear her mumble "I know..." before she hangs up!

She was taller than me...and she regretted that every minute we spent together. When I went to pick her up from school I always stepped out of the car, walked around it and sat on the bootlid and waited for her to appear. She always laughed whenever I sat there.
"I have never seen anyone do that" she said.

I haven't done it since we parted either!

She's calls me up and says: "What was that? Why did you drive off that fast?" The sadness drips from every word. "Did you want to impress me? Show off?" She fakes a laugh but fails

haha I smile sheepishly, not wanting her to hear how cracked my voice is. "Naah I just wanted to get out of that place" and pause for a moment so she can absorb this "Did you look back?"

"Yes" she whispers

"I'm sorry" I knew she hated to see me leave

"It's ok.....I deserved it" she sighs after minutes of silence

For a brief period of time we owned our own piece of universe. Like a fourdimensional elongating tunnel through space and time.
A vacuum created, as our selfconsuming love repelled all negativity.

In the end I guess every tunnel has it's leaks!

"I have taken many steps...." he says "...and have made many attempts..." he pauses briefly "...to take my life!"

I look at him acting surprised to hear this while I'm being anything but.

"But everytime right in the final moments...." he again pauses and I keep my silence in fear he would never finish his sentence "...life itself betrays you, by showing you something, someone worth living for...." he continues "....and we gotta be thankfull for that!"

"I know" he says uncomfortably.

"NO you don't" she shouts at him "You always say you do but you don't" He just looks at her  as she continues "Can't you say anything else besides 'I know'? What is it exactly that you know?"

"I know that..." he stands up and picks up his coat "... you will be lonely too if you loved me..." walks towards her and whispers in her ear ".... the way I love you!!" and leaves the house.